A few years back, my heart was shattered. It was the second longer term relationship I had after my separation of 21 years. I think heartache is one of those things you experience in the moment where seconds feel like hours and there may be times where you feel as though you’ll never have enough air in your lungs to breathe. And where do all those tears come from? It’s raw. It’s painful. And when it doesn’t seem logical to you, it’s just that much harder to process.
I grieved this loss the way I typically do; I wrote. I wrote about my perceived inadequacies, what I feel my ex-partner may have seen in my that eventually pushed him away. I wrote “A declaration to my future someone(s)” picturing myself reading this to someone one day; maybe as we lay in bed, chest to back, or as we both sat on the beach watching the sun set.
As I approach my 46th birthday, I haven’t let anyone in since that heartbreak; at least not until recently. With every vulnerable step forward, I feel as though I take two steps back. Wanting so much for that declaration to help navigate all the jumbled up stuff inside my brain and heart. A road map to who I am and what I can give someone who is willing to open up and allow love in.
What I have failed to do is reflect on all things I loved about my past loves. Sitting here reflecting on all the pieces that made me so fulfilled, ignoring the parts that eventually tore my heart to shreds, brings a little half cocked smile to my face.
So tonight, as I struggle with heartache, uncertainty and want, I thank those who have been brave enough to love me. You have made me who I am today, the nooks and crannies of my soul that will continue to find connection and love, while recognizing those things that eventually caused the once intense love to burn out.
This is written in no particular order.
I loved the way you nibbled at my forearm and got me to giggle; and eventually got me to take my pants off.
I adored how you looked at my through my phone screen; hundreds of miles away, but feeling as though you were right beside me.
Your ability to make me laugh was always my saving grace.
If I’d be crying and you’d kiss me, you’d always mention how puffy my lips would be.
You hated coffee, but you made me mine and brought it to me in bed, even though it was instant.
The incense we burned every night before bed is still the one I burn every time I’m feeling a little melancholy. My local crystal shop brought it in just for me and still carries it five years later.
Your dogs loved me and I loved them.
You wrote me. You wrote from the soul, the heart and the brain, the biggest turn on I have experienced in my lifetime. Your ability with words is something I have always craved in a partner and you gave to me 100 fold.
Camping was what we did really well together. It was fun, dirty, and was our time alone.
When you said, “do you want to go cuddle?” I knew what you were really asking and it was the best foreplay.
You loved my family as your own and that meant the world to me.
You read my blog and that made me so incredibly proud, especially when you’d come back to me and tell me what you loved about it.
I am so happy we were friends first.
You taught me that love is love and that I could experience this outside of what was expected of me.
You told me if you had a chance to do it again, you would have picked me.
I am so incredibly grateful for sex with you. You took time and care in a way no one ever has with me.
You said, Do as you feel, during a time I had no fucking idea what I was doing.
We were really good in the kitchen together.
We were not good in the kitchen together, but thank you for trying.
The first time I hugged you I knew I had found my person.
Saying goodbye to you was so incredibly gut wrenching, but I found solace in knowing I’d say hello again soon.
I loved your butt.
Sleeping in on Sundays was a treat I looked forward to every other weekend. Coffee and breakfast in bed felt like home.
I am so glad I fell in front of you during our first date – at least I got that out of the way.
You texted me every morning “Good morning, beautiful” for 19 months straight.
You told me you loved me.
We could talk about books and I loved that.
We could talk about movies and I loved that.
We could talk about what was making you sad and angry and frustrated and I loved that because it meant you trusted me.
You told me you didn’t love me anymore.
Travelling with you was incredible.
Saturdays cutting the lawn and doing house chores was okay because it was with you.
The sex was amazing and I really mean that.
You made me feel loved.
You made me feel loved.
You made me feel loved.
I made you feel loved.
We texted for almost 10 years on and off, and if that isn’t love, I don’t know what is.
Thanks for loving me, all my imperfections, all my mania and hasty decisions, all the ways I loved you with every gram of my being because that’s all I know how to do.
You were a chapter in my love story and I am so wholeheartedly thankful for our time together.
Axo
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