There are certain things in life you will never forget.
It may be a feeling, a smell, a taste, the touch of an ex lover’s hand; all disguised in a memory or a moment from your past.
For me, and my incredibly romantic attachment to everything, I don’t forget much. When I retell people around me something they once said to me years ago, or I recount the sweater they were wearing with the little hole on the collar, I know it often times evokes a feeling of “what the actual fuck”, is this woman obsessed with me? How does she remember that? I assure you, it has less to do with you, and more to do with my interaction in that moment, you being an innocent bystander. I have an incredible memory for words, visuals, feelings, tastes and smells. My sordid love affair with nostalgia is part to blame; my intense feeling of love and connection makes up for balance.
I remember the smell of the hospital room my dad was in when he told us he was stopping dialysis. I remember where I was standing, where my brother was standing, and the sheer quiet that feel over me.
I knew what this meant.
It meant in less than 10 days, he’d be gone.
The countless phones calls and week night visits, the two hour car rides to and from whatever faciality he was in, would stop. I wouldn’t need to wash his face, or help with his leg exercises mobilizing a body that no longer moved on its own. The check marks picking tomorrow’s meals would end, the sitting in silence would end, the talking about my day would end… forever.
He had been in hospital for nearly three months. I had recently started a full time job for the first time in four years, my separation only happening 16 months before. With my new life ahead of me, I was beside my dad as the end of his was drawing nearer.
He died 10 days later, on Thanksgiving day.
We had been with him that morning, my brother and I would be driving back to my mom’s an hour away to have family dinner together. He was no longer lucid, but as we gathered our sweaters for the mild Fall weather outside, I laid my head on his pillow and told him I’d be back in a few hours and that we were just going to mom’s to eat.
I said, I love you.
As I adjusted my elastic-waisted pants post-gorge, I grabbed my purse and left my family behind walking towards my car in my mom’s driveway.
The call came.
I drove alone knowing this drive would be the last time I’d see his face. And this is what was being posted all over social media as I listened to the Avette brothers on the radio (see photo).
A sky like I had never seen before. My then boyfriend texted me a picture of his view not steps from the cottage he was at with his kids. A gift, so incredibly breathtaking, at a time I had no breath left in me. Little did I know, every pink sky from that day on, would instantly take me back to my dad.
Write a list
Some time ago, I stumbled up on a Ted Talk from Candy Chan. I watch a lot of Ted Talks, often times when I’m cooking dinner or daydreaming of being a speaker for Ted Talk. This one in particular brought together two of the most cherished things in my life – abandoned spaces and questioning our purpose.
I have played Candy’s video during a number of moments in my life – typically when I’m strapped for time and need to share a notable and inspirational piece for a team building experience. We all have those that are in our back pocket. Candy’s is one of mine.
Watch her video and then watch it again. If you’re anything like me, you will then get pulled into her IG, read about these pop ups making their mark across the globe and then sit in front of your scrap piece of paper, probably from the box of rice crackers you just demolished, with the words etched so eloquenty:
Before I die, I want to…
Now, I’ve watched this Talk and done this exercise a few times. In fact, shortly after I was dumped (only two weeks after my dad died) I made my own list of things I wanted to do. This was more a temper tantrum in response to my relationship being so disrespectfully ended (IMO), I wanted to immaturely prove to my ex boyfriend I could do all the things we plotted to experience together, as we enjoyed our lazy Sunday mornings in bed, listening to podcasts, intertwined at the legs and incense burning nearby. My “suck it” list provided perspective for me; that there were exciting things I wanted to do, and I would endeavor to go do them with or without a lover by my side (NB: I have marked more than 70% of that list as complete :-)).
We all have lists, goals that we want to accomplish. If you don’t have such a list scribbled somewhere in hiding, remember when you did? I don’t mean getting exercise or watching the new Netflix series that you will most likely regret; I mean the big stuff.
The stuff that’s bravely written on all those chalkboards over the world.The things that would become our only focus if we knew in 10 days we’d be gone.
I have my list of one thing. I am creating a life that is moving towards it, which is a such cool process – benefit by proxy. The mid-steps towards the big one. Even if my days are shortened, I know my decisions in life and my compass are always pointing to my true North.
“Two of the most valuable things we have are time and our relationships with other people… remember, life is brief and tender. Death is something that we’re often discouraged to talk about, or even think about, but I’ve realized that preparing for death is one of the most empowering things you can do. Thinking about death, clarifies your life.
What’s your list of one? Is it to sing on stage? Travel outside your home town? Love again or more or differently? Go ice fishing or maybe learn to swim?
I often wonder, during those 10 days, what hopes my dad had wished found their way on his list.
Axxo
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