“I did not come in last,” she said and this is what it meant for her.

I wrote a blog back in September about a 5k gone wrong. I had made a goal a few month before with my then boyfriend and we were to train and prep for the 5k, run it and then go to the wine festival that was happening in the hosting town.

Well, I didn’t train, my life was in an emotional whirlwind with my dad’s final days approaching and somewhere, in the recesses of my heart, I knew the man beside me was starting to pull away.

We woke the morning of to temperatures close to 40 degrees Celsius and a panic that I hadn’t felt in some time ensued. I was excited to be doing this with someone who meant so much to me and knowing a friendly face would be at the finish line to greet me made the anticipation a little less overwhelming.

It was a bad run. For more detail, please go back to my post entitled “‘I came in last’, she said and this is what it meant for her”. The detail I chose to leave out at the time of publishing is that there was not a friendly face awaiting me at the finish line and that made my day’s experience ten times worse. But, I digress.

Fast forward to yesterday… I am redeemed! And not by some act of God or streak of luck or fluke. My commitment to myself after I wrote that blog a few months back was to never come in last again. That goal was hit!

After my Single at 41 blog was published, I had a lot of feedback on my strength, courage and resolve to move forward with what I wanted for 2018. I sketched out a list of goals I wanted to accomplish on my own, many of which I had declared to my love during the intimate moments in bed, as the sun poked through the curtains or we sipped coffee while our toes found each other under the sheets. These were things we had wanted to do together and when together doesn’t exist, I picked myself up and recreated that list for me.

I travelled to Arizona to cross one of my Single at 41 goals off the official list. Thinking back to that hot, crushing morning in September that deflated my confidence and soul, I knew I would not only beat my time, but I would feel like me again!

A fellow scale warrior posted on IG some time ago that she had registered for an upcoming 5k. I wanted to cheer her on and it was an opportunity to offer myself a redo of that September mishap.

We crushed it. We struggled as the first half was a steady incline, but stuck with our intervals on the back half and at one point I even found my runner’s breath and kept going. I was slow, but I kept going.

What did NOT coming in last mean to me? It meant that I am enough. It meant that I have enough within my grasp to lead a happy, fulfilling life even when the dips and valleys happen.

I was in Phoenix for 48 hours. I came with reservation, hesitation and a little doubt. I am leaving with confidence, pride and a kick ass tattoo to remind me what this weekend was all about.

Thanks, Jess. This was a pretty amazing trip for me. We did it!!!



A declaration to my future someone(s)

I’m not actively looking for a partner, boyfriend, girlfriend, significant other, sidekick or friend with benefits… let’s be COMPLETELY clear on that.  Solitude is not only craved, but definitely a necessity right now.

But, I have a lot to say about who I am and in the process of all I have gone through, realizing my worth, my needs and my boundaries has been a big part of my current and future healing; not just from my separation of 21 years but a couple of broken relationships along the way.

Change can only occur when one wants it or out of pure force of circumstance.  For me, I fall in both categories.

This declaration is to no one in particular – no ideal mate or type, no time-bound expectation, no guarantee of that someone ever showing up.  However, when and if they do, I will be ready to read this to them.

I am a lot to take in.

I love meeting new people, but generally, hate everyone.

I may look like I’m flirting, but I assure you, I am just friendly – get over it now, or it will be a reason you start to doubt.

I don’t open my mail right away.

If we are playing in bed and the sheets come away from the corners, I may need to wave a white flag for a time out and fix them.

I love avocados.

My kids are my world, but my first role is not mom. I am me first. Love my friends and value them, all while sharing my time with you.  I won’t ever sacrifice the life I have created for myself.

I won’t get sick of spending days on end with you, unless you give me a reason.

I have tattoos and plan on getting more.  This is also something you need to accept.

I take 17 minutes to get ready.  Shower, dressed, hair, make-up.

I am self conscious about my body – my side boob, my stretch marks, my legs in particular, but I know you will always make me feel like I’m enough.

My house needs to be organized, but my car, 96.8% of the time, is a fucking pig pen.

I am an early riser by nature but can welcome 2am if the snacks and agenda are enticing enough.

I love to travel and to explore and driving to new places, no matter how far.  I am not afraid to do any of this on my own with no set plan.

That being said, I am a forward-thinker at heart, but just big picture stuff – I wont schedule our day to the minute as spontaneity and naps are important.

Be prepared to sleep next to a furnace.  Our bodies will be sweaty while we sleep, but my cold feet will often need a place to land and it will most likely be your calves (or if I’m feeling like a pillow fight is needed, a little higher to startle you).

I don’t bake, but love cooking.  Everything.  And will, with grace and love, bring you breakfast in bed but ensure no crumbs are left on my sheets and will kiss the powdered sugar from your lips.

I adore twinkle lights in both the summer and winter; crocuses and daisies in the Spring and the lake, ocean or even a pond any time of year.

Counter sex will happen.

I grew up in the country so I will gladly bait your hook, chase the chickens to the coop or cut the grass.

Don’t be an asshole.

I cry a lot and hope you will too.  I have the best ugly-cry.

I will love your family as my own and welcome all their idiosyncrasies that cause you to dread Christmas each year.

I don’t want a dog.

I will insist you get a physical every year.

We will make out in any and every library and/or bookstore we ever visit, because it’s both romantic and cliche as hell.

You need to be ready to be loved.

I own multiple purses and sunglasses, all of which are low quality either from the dollar store or good will.

I want to learn the piano and visit Malta.

I don’t want you to worship me or call me your Queen, buy me gifts or adorn me.  I just want respect, honesty and effort. And did I mention the occasional nibble on my lower arm and maybe an attempted zurbert on my soft and welcoming belly?

You will need to be my rock sometimes, when I don’t want to do anything but it is necessary to.

Black olives are the devil’s work.

I love to be loved.

Go out with your friends, for god sake. Don’t be lame.

We both will learn to say yes to adventure but when no is necessary, we will respect each other to explain the why.

We won’t ever fight over money because we will talk about everything.

You will read my blog because you love me.  You will listen to my interviews because you love me.  You will support my quest to help others because you love me.  You will drive my food truck because you love me. You’ll put your arm around me when I need it because you love me.

You will respect me enough to tell me you no longer love me because we are, first and foremost, friends.  And friends are kind and honest and forgiving and only want the best for one another, even if the topic is gut wrenching.

I will always tell you if you have something in your teeth, your fly is undone or you need a tissue.

I will kiss you even if you haven’t brushed your teeth.

We will both respect our ex spouses because they are the parents of our children and were once what we wanted and needed.

I have an elephant collection.

The greatest thing you can do for me is bring me coffee in bed, super hot, just as I like it.

My cat will fall in love with you just as I have.

We don’t need to grow old together, because maybe our time together is shorter than it feels it needs to be – but, we can say all the days and minutes and seconds we spent with one another was perfect because we were so very fortunate to find each other, right now, at this time in our lives.

I may want bangs again.