I say often, “Starting over means you have not yet given up.” I believe that.
Five years ago I was given an opportunity to change my life. I took it. I changed the way I ate, moved, and thought about what my body was capable of accomplishing. While I say it was an opportunity to change my life, I am now realizing, on the other side of five years, that opportunity ONLY allowed me to change those parts of my life.
Moving more, eating less and more consciously and being very public about my journey helped me incredibly. Now, don’t get me wrong, because of these shifts in my lifestyle, my perspective on life changed greatly. I realized there was more to this existence than waking up, punching a clock and being exhausted ALL THE TIME. So, quit my career. With these changes I was also exposed to an entire new circle of friends, acquaintances and influencers, some of which have become very close friends five year later. I have had to say goodbye to some old friends and new for much of the same reasons I had to let go of other expectations in life. As we grow and evolve, our needs change and it opens our minds and hearts to what we truly deserve in life… this is the most beautiful and difficult part of all of this.
I have written much about my struggles and I know there is no finish line in this journey. However, the last six months have been very trying and I have had to make further decisions in my life that, like many choices, have caused a major domino effect on where I am today. And I am taking 100% responsibility on everything that has shifted because of this… ultimately my desire for self-love and care has been knocked down to an all time low.
What has taken place? Well, after 21 years, I am without a partner at home. And while this is hard to type, it is not without some past healing that has already happened. This topic will end here, but know that we are both in a much better spot, participating in weekly dinners/activities as a family still and cultivating our lives outside of each other. We are still friends. And that’s what is important.
This last little while has been both liberating and frightening. Some days I am elated with freedom, while other moments I am literally paralyzed in my home because it is so quiet without my kids footsteps and screams filling my ears. This year, while I faced my 40th birthday, I knew I would not only be mentally and spiritually processing the fact that quite possibly half my life is behind me, but now I would have to face who I truly was… and that’s where the pen sits right now.
The page is blank.
Twenty-one years is a long time. And while I always made it a point to keep my circle of friends and hold my own identity, I am not the same person I was when I was 19. So, I am choosing to go back to those things that bring me joy.
And it’s awesome
I am forever grateful to my trainer and once-friend who believed in me until which time I believed in myself. The opportunity to learn how to eat and move and start the spiritual journey will never ever be forgotten. But five years ago I wasn’t ready to do the mental work. I wrote often about thinking about it, what it was, what I knew I had to do – but it is often thought that times of turmoil is when the true work HAS to be done. I am living in that now. I was brave for imagining my life differently – away from being fat, depressed and unhappy. And I did a lot of the work needed to get there. The piece that was missing was the biggest piece. It was the piece that I chose to ignore because I knew it was bigger than me. It was the piece that often we don’t even recognize because it is right there with us. It’s the piece that forces us to do the hard work that LITERALLY no one can do or help us with. It’s finally realizing that you have to love yourself so purely and intentionally that you are able to stand firmly in who you are and what you deserve.
I have allowed my circumstances over the last year and a half dictate the path I have been on. Overeating, undereating, defiling my body, self-loathing, distractions, excuses, “just until this is done”, tomorrow, next week, my 40th, when the kids are back in school… all the obvious vices adn excuses that we all know too well. And I allowed this because I thought once I was ‘over’ this change in my home, things would finally be ‘right’ for me to get to where I wanted to be.
NOT THE CASE.
It doesn’t matter what storm is around you, any time is YOUR time. You have to love yourself enough to take care of your spirit, your soul and your body. Because without that love, you are unable to love others around you fully. There will always be something missing.
I am moving into some pretty big changes over the next month. And for those of you who know me, I love change. I crave it, even. And with this breath of fresh ADINA air, I am excited to finally living my life for me. I am realizing everything I have been waiting for were just further excuses and obstacles I was placing on myself to remain comfortable.
I am back at my heaviest. I am… and I am not sorry to anyone for what has happened, but me. I am sorry I allowed myself to live in my head for so long that all the things I learned to love, including life, were moved down the priority list. The only thing that was a priority in life was my self-pity.
You know, I always said that there was never a rock-bottom or AH-HA moment that kick started my journey five years ago. But now, there has been. That moment is realizing I’m fucking 40. And with every passing breath I am missing an opportunity to live life to its absolute fullest.
I am very happy right now. There is a lot that has contributed to this… And now that my soul is content, and I know what that feels like, the rest of the pieces of my puzzle are following.
I have never been on my own. That in itself has been the biggest adjustment. But I thank my amazing family and friends for their constant support and love. Without you, being on my own would feeling lonely – and I haven’t felt that way once. So, thank you.
I am starting an entirely new chapter, no VOLUME of my life and how many people can say that on this Earth? I am fortunate to be one of them and I know how important carper diem moments are… so I am seizing the shit outta that.
I wont be public on what’s going on, but will check in every so often. My site is always here, my email always active – so if you feel like chatting, reach out.
It has been a trying and exciting 2016. Know that we all struggle – and that’s okay. But it’s in the recovery that our true strength is shown.