This title may not be the best, but I have to say, life in general has labelled “normal” sized people as regular. “Oh, are you looking for regular size or plus?”. I mean, come on, we all know the Fashion Industry is the leader of all things true, so if they believe this, surely the rest of the world has been brain-washed into thinking so (a little sarcasm here from the girl who wears yoga pants most days).
Some of you may find yourselves on the brink of transformation; maybe stuck on a plateau; maybe even down almost 100 pounds knowing you have further to go and just can’t seem to find the right equation to move forward. Are you constantly looking for answers from everyone around you? Do you KNOW what you need to do, but can’t seem to find the ambition or trust in yourself to put into action the plain and simple “less calories, better food, move my body, and speak my feelings” puzzle? Well, here is another perspective that came to me as I added some extra weight plates to my overhead barbell press yesterday – are you afraid of actually succeeding?
I did a little reading on this to better understand if I was brilliant enough to think this up myself. Total Spoiler: there are hundreds of articles on this subject so you are welcome to use the Googling Machine to find better written posts than mine. My post, however, as all of mine, will be fragmented, stream-of-consciousness and in my own opinion, much truer to the truth as I write from experience.
We all have heard of self-sabotage. In fact, that’s was the exact topic that brought me to my therapist about five months ago. I needed to better understand why it was when success was happening, I started to abuse myself again. It was a long, vicious cycle that I truly didn’t understand and I thought a therapist would help. Months of therapy and we never even touched on the topic – amazing what talking with an impartial party can do (more on that in another post one day, maybe). We didn’t get to the nitty-gritty of the why, but talking through a whole other shit-load of issues helped move through some of the mental barriers I was dealing with and opened up perspective to me.
So, adding that weight to my barbell yesterday… this came in tandem with another NSV yesterday. I tried on a dress I had won on a Facebook used-goods auction. I paid $12 for it. It was a size Large and I thought for certain it would fit one day. I tried it on four months ago and it was super tight around my thighs (ya, the constant) and I couldn’t do up the zipper on the back. I was purging my closest yesterday and with the tag still in tact, I tossed this cute sleeveless black and white dress to the donation pile. Something quickly made me decide to try it on again. I walked over to the messy pile of used-to-be-favourites and picked it up.
This is what happened: 1. It slipped on over my bottom half perfectly (I instantly lost my breath and my heart started to quicken). 2. I got my kid to do up the zipper (I felt faint and didn’t know what to do with myself). It fit.
And in that moment, I remembered putting the plates on my bar and lifting that 65 lbs over my head to do six reps of overhead presses, a weight I had never pressed before. I was completely consumed with an overwhelming feeling of something. I couldn’t figure out what the something was – happiness? Glee? Fear? Anxiety? A moment can come and pass so rapidly it’s hard to remember what happened. Looking at myself in the mirror, I could see an image of myself with the bar about my head and instantly, I felt defeated. Why?
One of the articles I read stated that some of us are afraid of succeeding. He neatly bundled the ‘reasons why’ into three fears that I will note here:
1. Fear of Not Coping with Success
2. Fear of Selling Out
3. Fear of Becoming Someone Else
I have to say, I think that all of these have a very possible effect on not being able to move forward. Like all the writings here or on any of the mental work in terms of weight loss, we all know principles can easily be applied to any other facet of our lives – career, relationships, interests, self-improvement. In that instant in the mirror, I realized I was in a moment of change and I was fearful of what could come next.
Life was easier when I was almost 300 lbs. It was predictable. It was less work. It was a ‘no brainer’. I didn’t have to plan, or schedule, or be in my body. Hell, I didn’t have to invest in myself because I was too busy investing in everyone around me. But, at some point I realized I wanted out of my plus sized body and wanted to at least flirt with the idea of being ‘normal’. Right now, I fear of becoming someone else because I have never been anyone but me; in a body that I never truly loved and in the ‘funny fat girl’ persona that served me pretty well.
I am scared of succeeding because I have never been ‘normal’. I am scared of succeeding because what if I have a relapse and gain all the weight back? I am scared of succeeding because maybe deep down somewhere I fear I don’t deserve it.
I call bullshit.
I do deserve it. And that bar will get heavier. And that dress will get smaller. And that smile will get bigger. And that fear will start to shrink to a point that it is extinguished for good.
Are you scared? Are you holding yourself back?