I haven’t written for myself in a really long time. But something has been bothering me and it’s always best for me to sit and reflect to try to find some truth in it or debunk the negative that may be trying to creep in.
I know I still have weight to lose. I’m no dummy. I know there are physical goals to be conquered, mini jean shorts to be enjoyed and the freedom to truly do all the things I have wanted to do.
I have felt fat lately. There really hasn’t been any particular reason why, however, feeling fat and being fat are two totally different things. I haven’t felt like this in a while, so I needed to sit and reflect as to why this is creeping up.
We all go through moments in our life when our confidence is lacking, goals are missed and focus just isn’t where it needs to – this is life. I think my confidence has been wavering a bit, and for most who know me, this may come as a total shocker!
And I know why this is happening. Only now do I realize why I am feeling fat and why I feel as though my confidence is sliding. There was a relationship in my life that had always taken up a very large space in my world. Through therapy alone, I finally realized that this relationship was unhealthy. It was unhealthy because of the other person. This person, in a moment, had the ability to make me feel one inch high and 600 inches wide. I made a conscious effort to let this relationship go. Because of life events and my role in their life, they are back. But, I allowed them back in the same capacity they owened before – this was my mistake.
I have felt fat because I have started falling back into the mental space I was in when I was a kid, teen, young adult and beyond – I have let that person bring me down again. They recently asked me, “When the kids are settled in school, will you plan on going back to work”. In my clarity, I know what they were asking. “When are you going to give up on the training and go back to making good money and having the prestige in your position like you did before you quit”.
Often times when I meet someone, and they ask what I do, I feel like I need to justify myself, my current physical appearance and shout out, “But I have already lost a bunch of weight!!”. I say, “I am a certified trainer, and love working with woman who have weight loss goals in mind”. The look is almost 99% consistent – huh? Ya. That’s right. And sometimes, they will actually give me a once over and probably not even realize they are doing it.
Am I reading into the question too much? Not a chance in hell.
What do I need to do? A number of things…
1. I need to reclaim my mental and physical boundaries. I have worked so hard in identifying the good, the bad and the “need to just exist” people in my life that I lost sight of this when I saw vulnerability. This person is unwell and my heart quickly swelled and I lost sight of me.
2. I need to say with confidence and pride that I am a trainer. This is who I am now. I am not doing this to make ends meet. I am not doing this to buy time until I can go back to the shit life of a corporate rat. I find complete joy and pleasure in seeing someone do their first full push up or get off the ground when I knew they couldn’t – and it’s a result of my help that these milestone are reached.
3. I need to continue to put me first, in every moment of my life, in every decision. I can’t let excuses or reasons be bigger than me wanting to sport those jean shorts around (this is completely in jest, but you get what I mean).
4. I have to recognize that there will be days that I feel like the old me. And sometimes there wont be any reason than the subconscious trying to tell me something. I needed to feel huge. I needed to feel uncomfortable in my own skin for me to realize that this person does not have the power to make me feel small, or less than amazing. It is only me that could allow that, and I did. No longer.
5. I will continue to believe I am on the right path, taking no bullshit from anyone. There will be many people who will seem kindred, who will seem like their presence is kismet, but I think those devils are here to test me. I am learning, as I always believe I had known, that people come and go for lessons. I am grateful for that.
Do you feel fat today? Well, let me tell you, you are the only one capable of controlling how you feel. Embrace it, and then ask why? I am so glad I felt like every outfit looked like shit this week. Because it helped me remind me of my worth and the amazing journey I have been on, changing all but a few cogs in the wheel of life.
It’s a good day to be me and to be a person who loves helping others.